I Had Made a Decision~A Change of Me

Recently, there are a lot of thought had passed by my mind~
Inner souls are started talking, whispering, discussing everyday.

For a lot of things~
my future, my destiny, my life, my existence of this world, my philosophy, my meaning of life and happiness.
There are a lot of things had been happened in these two months. It changed me a lot.
Suddenly, I feel that I grow up rapidly in this short period of days. Because I had think through my life indeed.

I had knew what I really want.
Seriously, some people said I'm still new and there are a lot that I have to learn. Yes, indeed.
But the bad cycle in Malaysia advertising is never be ended. It will still continuing appear in my life every day, every year. I do believe other countries are better than us a lot and a lot due to they believe "change" "brave""adventurous""willing to try".....that never happened in Malaysia where always play safe. It totally is not what I want.

Sometime, I really forget what is art, what is design, why I like design. I have totally lose the philosophy of art due to the business consideration. I have forget the original reason and mindset that I love art, design and advertising~...because I believe ideas can change people life and change the world to be better place.
But I believe that I never can be done in here, Malaysia.

So~
I had decided to use my way to continue the spirit of advertising, design and ideas with new era~
Generation-Y, young people never stuck in one place, we did go out to adventure and believe the miracle of changing this world. This is what I want, my way, my thought, my philosophy start from here.

What Should I Do?

I'm damn sad this month~
Firstly, there are so many jobs.
Seconds, those are big jobs.

Recently, I have a pitching~that I never handle or involve before.
This time I really did a shit works...
There are so many things have to think off within one week.
Idea, Plan journey, DI, Design, Art direction, Visualise it.
Those technique, knowledge, skills and so on~I have nothing on it.
I'm not good, bad, slow, misunderstood, blur, no skills at anythings.

Seriously, I have totally lose my confidence this time.
I have totally crumble and collapse this time.
I have lost my determination, my courage, my persistence, my dream and my future that I wish before...
All are just a illusion...

Everyday, I do, think, reject, be chased, do, think, reject, be chased, do, think, reject, be chased.
I repeating doing the same things everyday for end up nothing even though just few had been succeed to be proceeded and published.

= I'm tired with this cycle non-stop everyday in my life.
= I'm tired with those discouragement, teases, criticism that hurt me and break my dream indeed.
= I'm also tired of work like hell, losing my time with my family, friends, my exercise time, gaining weight, facial problems and so on...

So, I have
= No Time, No Health, No Friendship and "Familyship"
= Not Fit, Not Pretty, No Life and those totally make me lose my confidence.
I don't work like that but I love this career....I want to learn all the knowledge, skills and thinking.

BUT NOW~
I scare, confuse, seriously don't know what should I do...
THIS JOB MAKE ME SAD, UNHAPPY, LOSING MYSELF, NO LAUGH, STRESS, COMPLICATED BUT END UP DUNNO WORK FOR WHAT...

I just want to be myself, laugh with my family & friends, go sweating, feel the nature...
I DON'T CARE THE MONEY~EARNING~WHICH CAN'T GET BACK MY HAPPY LIFE.
I want to make my other dreams to be reality...*live, happy, laugh, simple*

Why Everything Goes Wrong After I'm Back???Why

I'm damn sad and frustrated now...is it my bad luck is coming to me this month??
Why all is happened in the same time??

I know I didn't finish to handle it til the end due to I went to China...but I never know why it become like that which worse than what I imagined...This is one of my favourite campaign, it's my baby...but I cant imagined why the final outcomes become like that due to I went to China and you guys doesn't really care of it??Or are we really not on the same line??Why why why become like that??I know I will be scolded next Monday due to you all really aren't responsible to handle these...Why why why?????????My campaign gone...my boss scold...works ruined due to I went China!!!!and you guys didn't care and handle it well....All works that I have done hard had become rubbish....!!!!

Secondly, I have a lot of pending jobs.... initiatives...that haven't finished...while you always think you work alone and all depend on you...sound like you are damn geng and all came from you....You enough la..not only you have work...I also have...I cant help you doesn't mean I leave you alone and do it!!!!!!If you feel in that way then I think you better work with other who are free to help you all the time...I am sien to work with you that always think your ideas is the best~~~~kkla...you are senior....whatever you said and hurt me...is correct one...I don't care...

I plan to do it today but find out I can't do it at home due to I don't have all the files...means I should work it in office but I have totally no time in office....everyone chase these and that...I have no time to do it....I'm really out of time!!!!

Besides, I need to do another job today but my team still haven't fix it and send to me....I cant start and also my yahoo mail totally blocked...I cant open my mail!!!!take files....The days after I back to work....are ruined....everything goes wrong!!!why why why????I want block you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You Are Not Me~So Don't Tell Me Who to be

This is the song that totally express my feelings through its lyrics
"I hate to break it to you, ...but I' m not drowning"
"Who cares if you disagree, you are not me".....
"So you dare tell me who to be? who died and made....."

Is You Force Me to Do This for You!!!!Motherfucker...

I never been this rude before...but you had succeed to force me to say such things for you!!!!!
Motherfucker~~bitch~~bullock~bastard~~slut~~~
You had spoilt my weekend again and again!!!!
Last Saturday and Sunday rush the stuffs for you...
This week is the same again!!! Besides, this is the last mins brief for me...
This is you and your client communication problem..is not mine...
Why everything is last mins...never prepare anythings for me...
always ask me wait wait and wait....
Bastard~do you think I am a doctor? Always on call 36 hours?? Your client still act slow to give me the copy!!!!!


I had my plan on Saturday and Sunday....now you spoilt it...always ask me to standby at HOME!!!
Idiot~I had my plan to go somewhere...while you attend a talk now!!!!then how's is my stuffs?? wait till late of afternoon??Fuck off!!!!How's My afternoon!!!!!!!!!!!!
You have no life but don't think and make me that I am same to you!!!I have my own life!!!!
You make yourself on being a working slave....but I'M NOT!!!!!
Motherfucker~~~~once you spoilt my weekend, it will totally sopilt my whole week in the office!!!
My passion spirit is not for you!!!!is for my boss~don't act like my boss!!!!!
Is your client problem~she is slow and last mins....no one will help her finish those rubbish on time~
TAT'S YOU BOTH PROBLEM!!!!!!!...Bastard!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Never spoilt my weekend again!!!if not I will just ignore what you give it to me "LAST MINUTES"....
IDIOTS!!!!!

I Have Been Different From Now On

I feel I have been changed after attending an amazing training during this weekend,
In this training, I realize a lot about myself.
I feel I had find back myself who someone always hidden in my deep heart.
Beside, I had realized that how can I be a better man who I wish to be..

Before the training,
I always unsatisfied about my works, colleagues, boss and anythings in works..
I am frustrate everyday, complaining everyday, always feel everyone wears mask in reality life so fuck off.
I start to hate life, hate my works, hate everyone who are unfriendly with me.
Becoming quiet and keep silence all the time, keep distance from boss and so on.
Somehow I had forget how to speak out, present, explain my things, work or express myself.
I feel I had lost the ability to speak and express.Hiding deep and deeper in my heart.
I had try to escape myself from work in office and keep planing to do this,do that to leave my working life.
It means that I had totally forgotten what is my passion, my dream, my strength, my confidence, my everything and keep re-size myself smaller smaller and smaller among the people. Just like a supper little puppet walking lost in this busy noisy city.

After the training,
I find out why I'm so far with each other, why I feel fake from others, why I can't just like others have a nice and happy relationship and chitchat topics with boss and certain colleagues.
The answer is I am the one who made this happen due to I never opened myself to people first, I never be showing truly myself to people first. It just like people never be honest or trust you once you are also never be honest or trust to them. It is some kind of reflection of myself. How they did to you just as how you did to them.

Secondly, before this, I feel that is situation made me be like this. I blame situation, blame environment, blame reality world to make me keep quiet or silent. However, I'm wrong. I lost the ability to speak out or express due to myself, due to my stupid inner face and image. I'm not dare to speak out my opinion because I afraid of speaking wrong things or in wrong timing, afraid of being judged, afraid of rejected, afraid of being  look stupid when saying wrong things. Actually, it just about that I stupidly care my face. I thought this is the way to keep my confidence since didn't be judge and failed but oppositely it had entirely bring me down, I lost my confidence silently and slowly instead.

Thirdly, I had luckily met all of the mentors, Ben, Joseph, Richie, Alvin and Hasim. All of them are the kind of powerful people in Advertising industry such as GM, ECD, CD or brilliant strategy planner,Draft. They look young, professional, passionate about everything what they did, how they climb until this high level.
They had shown me how to be a great people like them, just like Ben, the way he speak, his concentration of noting down what he listen, learn even though he already be a GM. He is still hardworking, self-learning from the mistakes, and kind to say goodbye to everyone. He is polite and tell us a lot of being better and better.

Keeping on is Joseph, a cute strategy thinker and good guider for me. He is willing to teach us a lot, like what should we think when we have received a brief, guide us how to analysis our thinking to be a key message or ideas, he also teach us how to help each other to interpret our thinking by speaking out anything in our mind instead of just work ourselves separately, brainstorming ourselves lonely. Beside, he had trying to     pull me back, encourage me to speak and express more until I realize I'm still creatively functioning in my brain that I had in Uni life. He is as same as SONNY, who our group leader.

Thanks SONNY so much, the one who able might can read me, encourage me, pull me back from the dark corner, making me feel more confident to show, express, approach.

Thanks everyone who's with me in "SHINE" training, from 15 June- 17 June 2012.
I will always remember to be real me, open myself to everyone, set my intention who and what I want to be, make a different since today.

A Short Coffee Time

Today, I wrote this post which doesn't mean that I'm sad.
Think of another way, I was happy and appreciate what I have now.
Firstly, I should thanks to one of my friends who had introduced me a great place where I can have a relief and find back myself.

At the beginning, I decided to go there alone with my laptop, sinking in music rhythms and enjoying a cup of nice coffee. However, I had decided to ask few friends to join me due to I had knew that there are some problems is happened in their life. I knew they are tired of life, unhappy with their current situations and so on. Hence, I hope to share with them about this new place where they might can to have a relief as me.

Previously, I can say that we are best friends to each other but we never share our unhappiness stuffs to each other since we just hope to bring happiness to each other. However, today, we had shared everything no matter is happy or unhappy or even a secret. We know more and better to each other so I know that "friends doesn't mean just bring you the happiness and even cure you about your scars, just be a listener"...

In our conversations, I had found out everyone had their own problems in their deep heart no matter is works, friends or family. They might looks tough and strong in normal days but somehow there is somewhere bleeding in their heart, in their life that we never realize or know. People always face the different problems in their own life or hiding themselves in somewhere everyday. Only the privy will know the difficulties and taste the hurt.

Seriously I had know a lot about my friends today maybe due to the environment. They had released and spoke out their feel and thought. I'm happy to hear that. I introduced this place for them due to doesn't mean that I want to know the gossip of them. Instead, I just hope them might have a place to release even though just awhile for themselves alone.

Love you guys~appreciate what we have done tonight~Sweet dream^^